The Cross

As the three of us walked along the west side highway that day toward ground zero the sun was blinding. I could tell he was quiet and wondered was he just overwhelmed by it all. That day was a Sunday in May 2002 and it was my first time visiting ground zero after 9/11. I guess I had not visited earlier due to my moms illness and subsequent passing in April.
I felt good at the three of being together and it was the first day since my mom had died that I felt some relief by just getting out with friends. I remember seeing the ground zero cross and being so overcome with emotion. As we turned to walk away he said " I am leaving", I said "home", and he said "yes". He said it in a very strange tone. I watched him cross the street and just as he was about to descend the stairs, he turned and looked at me. His stare was for about ten seconds and then he was gone. That day was the last time I saw him for a few years. Was it something I said? Did he just want to start over? or was I just in the way? The phone calls were too many to count during my grieving process for my mom, none were answered or returned. I was so baffled I spoke to my other friend who was there, what did I say or do? Nothing, nothing........he would say.

One Friday night I was at the Eagle bar NYC and I turned to the right and there he was. It had been years since I had seen or heard from him. Do you ever think of me?, I ask. He stays silent. How could you just walk away, we knew each other 30 years. I could feel my heart beating faster and could tell he was not glad to see me. I do think about you Joey, but I need to go on, he said to me. My mind goes blank and I don't know what to say to him , he turns and says "on that walk to ground zero, you said I don't want this situation to come between my family and me. God knows I don't remember saying this, but he insist I said it. Do you want a beer?, he says, OK I say just to keep the conversation going, he goes to the bar, I go to the toilet. When I return the beer is there and he is gone again.
I thought maybe he would call the next day, but nothing. When I was in Paris in November all I thought about were are old haunting grounds, but that's just what it was, a ghost of the past.
I starting thinking back that this wasn't the first he disappeared in my life, he had done this twice before, once in college, and once when his mom was dying. I remember him calling me and saying lets bury the hatchet right now, my mom is dying, and I did. I also took care of his mom when he was San Diego and he was not ready to come back east. She had started to get very sick from cancer. If only he had returned the favor. That year I lost my mom, my job and him. I tried to think why he did this and I realise there are two reasons, first he wanted to hurt me and second he loves to run when the situation gets difficult. He never could face adversity, and he knew by cutting me out of his life I would be hurt. At first it worked and then after I saw him in that NYC bar I knew he was not worth my time or love. I really was able to let him go with love. I figured if he had nothing to give me spiritually while my mom was dying and I was grieving when would he give me anything. In the past year I have felt true love from so many friends, and I see what a waste of time it was thinking about him. God bless him wherever he is and I hope he is not alone, but I suspect he always will be. I let go of disloyal friends..