The Cross

As the three of us walked along the west side highway that day toward ground zero the sun was blinding. I could tell he was quiet and wondered was he just overwhelmed by it all. That day was a Sunday in May 2002 and it was my first time visiting ground zero after 9/11. I guess I had not visited earlier due to my moms illness and subsequent passing in April.
I felt good at the three of being together and it was the first day since my mom had died that I felt some relief by just getting out with friends. I remember seeing the ground zero cross and being so overcome with emotion. As we turned to walk away he said " I am leaving", I said "home", and he said "yes". He said it in a very strange tone. I watched him cross the street and just as he was about to descend the stairs, he turned and looked at me. His stare was for about ten seconds and then he was gone. That day was the last time I saw him for a few years. Was it something I said? Did he just want to start over? or was I just in the way? The phone calls were too many to count during my grieving process for my mom, none were answered or returned. I was so baffled I spoke to my other friend who was there, what did I say or do? Nothing, nothing........he would say.

One Friday night I was at the Eagle bar NYC and I turned to the right and there he was. It had been years since I had seen or heard from him. Do you ever think of me?, I ask. He stays silent. How could you just walk away, we knew each other 30 years. I could feel my heart beating faster and could tell he was not glad to see me. I do think about you Joey, but I need to go on, he said to me. My mind goes blank and I don't know what to say to him , he turns and says "on that walk to ground zero, you said I don't want this situation to come between my family and me. God knows I don't remember saying this, but he insist I said it. Do you want a beer?, he says, OK I say just to keep the conversation going, he goes to the bar, I go to the toilet. When I return the beer is there and he is gone again.
I thought maybe he would call the next day, but nothing. When I was in Paris in November all I thought about were are old haunting grounds, but that's just what it was, a ghost of the past.
I starting thinking back that this wasn't the first he disappeared in my life, he had done this twice before, once in college, and once when his mom was dying. I remember him calling me and saying lets bury the hatchet right now, my mom is dying, and I did. I also took care of his mom when he was San Diego and he was not ready to come back east. She had started to get very sick from cancer. If only he had returned the favor. That year I lost my mom, my job and him. I tried to think why he did this and I realise there are two reasons, first he wanted to hurt me and second he loves to run when the situation gets difficult. He never could face adversity, and he knew by cutting me out of his life I would be hurt. At first it worked and then after I saw him in that NYC bar I knew he was not worth my time or love. I really was able to let him go with love. I figured if he had nothing to give me spiritually while my mom was dying and I was grieving when would he give me anything. In the past year I have felt true love from so many friends, and I see what a waste of time it was thinking about him. God bless him wherever he is and I hope he is not alone, but I suspect he always will be. I let go of disloyal friends..

Knicks Game

Last night as office we went to see the Knicks game at Madison Square

Garden. The best part of the night was taken the train from Jersey

into NYC. We were all excited to just get out of the office and have an

adventure. The best part of the night I could say was getting there as

a group. The game itself I never watched, we were in one of those suites

with booze and food and I talked the night away with people I never get to speak to. It was amazing that once the liquor starting flowing people

get loose lips and everyone told me they were looking for another job.

The economy for the fashion industry just gets better and better

and its not a litmus test for the rest of the job market.

I know my job is busy and stressful at times but the old saying goes

you know what problems you have now, you don't know what problems you

will inherit with a new job. I think the Knicks lost I never stayed till the end of the game.

Black Party NYC

This year I really wanted to revisit the Black Party in NY. I had this feeling it was not to be and I was correct again. I returned from the Dominican Republic and I was very sick with a lung infection. The night of the black party my temperature was 104 and I knew the only date I had was with my bed. After two days of sleeping I started feeling better and starting thinking about my black parties past.

I am not big on spending the whole night up at some club or even doing any drugs to accomplish this feat so I don't know why I wanted to go in the first place.

In 1987 my friends talked me into attending my first Black Party at the original Saint location. I remember driving to NY and parking on 2nd ave near St. Marks place. Robert Mclaughlin was a friend of mine who always worked all these venues, black parties, white parties, red parties, you name it and he always had some connection to get us in. That night was no different, we all met at around 1am in front of the Saint. The DJ for the evening was Chuck Parsons, and lighting man extraordinaire Richard Sabala. The minute we arrived I remember everyone mentioning that I should take some coke to keep me up for the night, I figured that I didn't need it and boy was I wrong. The place was filled with hot men, and remember this was 1987 and Aids had did its number already on the community. Little did I know that out of 8 of us there that night only 2 of us are alive today.

I remember that this was billed as the safe black party, the invitation came with a condom attached.

The music was amazing, and the crowd was really upbeat. I hung near this huge table filled with fruit and kept thinking Ill never make it to 12noon like most of my friends.

They had a huge round sitting area downstairs and my friend Robert was taking a break from bar tendering, so I went over and sat with him. We talked about how this night had such a strange feeling and like we were dancing for our lives. He didn't know it that night but he was so right. The strange thing was 10 years later I met him in Palm Springs at a house he was staying at for the White Party. He couldn't attend the White Party because his HIV medication was giving him such bad diarrhea, I stayed by the pool with him and we talked into the night. I think we both knew the life we had know was coming to end. A few weeks later he was found dead in his apartment.

Back to 1987 and the Black Party, while Robert and I were talking he was cruising some guy across the way from us. I was so tired, I laid my head on his lap and almost dozed off. I remember Robert yelling someone get him home, I woke up and said guys we will speak tomorrow. They were all laughing, they knew me better than I knew myself, I would never make the night. After I left I walked to my car and I saw glass all over the floor, I knew immediately the car window was smashed and the radio stolen. It turned out to be a very expensive night but one I would pay anything again to redo with my friends. I am glad for the memories good and bad. Maybe next year.................................