Grief
Andrew Hollerans new book is called "Grief", and it is quite a good read. It is really amazing how he captures a whole generation of people who have been in such a state of denial about their grief due the aids epidemic. I am a 45 year old man and have lost many friends to aids, and have been in such a state of grief for a long time now. I have noticed that there are times I feel so stagnant about life in general. One of the biggest hurdles for me is just trying to slow down and enjoy life. I feel like I am always running to get my mind off difficult things, either taking trips or just keeping really busy.
Every year at New Years I make a vow to release all these memories of people that passed and its really hard to keep. It definitely feels like I was left here to create something larger in mine and their memory. Out of five close friends three are gone and one I am still friends with one and the other will not speak to me any longer since I represent the past, so he says. I start to wonder if I would have been friends with them, even if they were alive. After college we all went our separate ways but kept in touch. It was really difficult for me watching them suffer through medical tests and life in general. Most of these guys were poly addicted, sex,drugs and alcohol.
The one thing I am very lucky about is having partner for 23 years. He has been my foundation and has pulled me through some difficult times. All in all I have lost about 10 friends, and always wonder what they would have been doing right now. I have some friends now that are in their 50s and have given up sex and the idea of ever meeting someone. Andrew Holleran refers to them as "gay emeritus", I have to chuckle but I tell ya its all too sad. I once said to my mom "that she would never know the kind of grief I have know and she said "Oh no", how about polio. It stopped me in my tracks and I realized some generations do know what we are talking about, we are not alone.
I don't understand bareback sex and some of my friends engage in it all the time. They tell me there is a different degree of intimacy without a rubber. I think the degree of how much you love yourself is whether you wear a rubber or not. I am working on this grief thing but it is not easy.
Every year at New Years I make a vow to release all these memories of people that passed and its really hard to keep. It definitely feels like I was left here to create something larger in mine and their memory. Out of five close friends three are gone and one I am still friends with one and the other will not speak to me any longer since I represent the past, so he says. I start to wonder if I would have been friends with them, even if they were alive. After college we all went our separate ways but kept in touch. It was really difficult for me watching them suffer through medical tests and life in general. Most of these guys were poly addicted, sex,drugs and alcohol.
The one thing I am very lucky about is having partner for 23 years. He has been my foundation and has pulled me through some difficult times. All in all I have lost about 10 friends, and always wonder what they would have been doing right now. I have some friends now that are in their 50s and have given up sex and the idea of ever meeting someone. Andrew Holleran refers to them as "gay emeritus", I have to chuckle but I tell ya its all too sad. I once said to my mom "that she would never know the kind of grief I have know and she said "Oh no", how about polio. It stopped me in my tracks and I realized some generations do know what we are talking about, we are not alone.
I don't understand bareback sex and some of my friends engage in it all the time. They tell me there is a different degree of intimacy without a rubber. I think the degree of how much you love yourself is whether you wear a rubber or not. I am working on this grief thing but it is not easy.
posted by junoman at
5:00 PM
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